It´s a long way to home

It is hard to know where to begin this story but perhaps the best place was the onset of early menopause when I was 37.
 
I am married and have been for almost 17 years, I have 4 beautiful children aged 24, 16, 15 and 3 and a half. Scary I know. I work full time for the Goverment and have for 18 years.
 
Well I thought going through menopause was hard enough but being on Hormone Replacement Therapy really took the cake. Believe or not I feel pregnant aged almost 40, we all sat down as a family and discussed all the issues and my family said they would be there to help with Baby, housework etc. After baby was born I went back to work when she was just 4 months old, things seemed fine until close to her being 6 months old. I was crying for no reason, I hated myself, felt inadequate and swore at work all the time. Work is a very stressful place at the best of times but I hated it with a passion. It got to the stage where I would not get out of bed, forgot how to do things and gradually started to sink into a big black drain hole and could not get out. I thought perhaps I went back to work too quick but took some time getting to the Doctors, as I thought it would be just a stage I was going through. I am not the type of person to ever ask for help as I was too busy helping other people. I gradually got worse and worse and thought I should see the Dr. All I did was cry and cry in between telling him how I was sinking straight into the quicksand. He told me I was suffering from post natal depression, something I never suffered with before, and did not have much understanding.
 
Well I had to take some long service leave, sick leave and holidays approximately 3 to 4 months. These months were the worst I ever had in my life, the doctor put me onto Cipramil and I was seeing a Woman Counsellor to explain how I felt as there was no light at the end of the tunnel. Things gradually improved and I returned to work feeling more positive,but with some doubts. Then in December of that year I was physically and mentally assualted by a client and didn´t know what to do. I went back to work but it was so late there was only one person in the office left. I didnt sleep a wink that night but managed to get myself back to work the next day. By 10.00am I was in the toilet crying my heart out and trying to come to terms with what happened, but I couln´t, it just kept playing over and over in my mind. I must have been in there for about 40 mins until the Team Leader came in and asked if I was alright. I lied and said I was but was unable to cope with any work that day . I was going on hoildays the next day.
 
I didn´t think about the incident over my holidays, but soon as it was time to go back to work I couldn´t do it. I fell into pieces and wanted to just end all the hurt and suffering I was feeling. I didn´t recieve much help from my workplace and before I knew it 4 months had passed and work did not contact me. I had to find my own Head Doctor to help me go back and solve these problems as it was not the first time I had been mentally or physically assaulted before.
 
Anyway next thing I knew I was smoking marijuana in the morning, lunch, evening-anytime. I also started drinking heavy until basically I couldn´t stand anymore. This went on for a few months until my husband and I had a big row and he said I needed to do something. I went back to the Doctor and told him what I had been up to and apologised for lying to him. I ended up in rehabilitation for 7 days and have been clean for 1 year 1 month and 2 weeks.
 
I am still trying to come to terms with everything but have fallen back into a bit of a hole as work has been so stressful and the office, people crying nearly everyday as they cannot cope the workload or abuse from clients.
 
This is my second week off work again and thought It maybe be helpful to write all this down as I feel I have been to hell and back a few times now. How I got to this point in my life I don´t know. I have feelings of being a burden to my whole family and feel I can no longer do my job. I am trying very hard to smile or laugh but there is a big hole in my heart and something missing. I am trying to get through day by day not sleeping, not eating, no patience, taking everthing to heart and just can´t seem to smile. It is not fair and I hate feeling like this. I have done this before and hoping to do it again. God give me the strength to get back home as it is a long way there.